"Why you being all negative?"

I caught myself slipping on Wednesday, I said "I'm having a bad week." After I said that, I realized that I mentally threw my whole week away all because that day I wasn't feeling it. The lesson in that was, I can't let my current state of emotion dictate positivity for me. But I think what led me to that experience was being exposed to a new term on Monday, "Learned helplessness."

/ˌlərnd ˈhelplisnəs/noun

1. a condition in which a person suffers from a sense of powerlessness, arising from a traumatic event or persistent failure to succeed. It is thought to be one of the underlying causes of depression.

And the annoying part is, I learned it in one of my least favorite classes.

In my own definition it's feeling like you have no control over an outcome or simply letting negative thoughts be a daily revolving door. I'd be lying if I'd said, I can go a whole month without feeling any anxiety or any type of negative thoughts or doubts– we all do.

It wasn't even so much the definition that got me.

My professor goes, "What stifles your motivation?"

This is what got me.

So on my piece of paper I wrote this (Before you judge my penmanship, remember, least favorite class= ugly handwriting)

I should've wrote 𝘵𝘢𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘯𝘢𝘱𝘴 because lord knows regular naps will get me into a mood. But I basically had to identify with myself what takes the drive away. My last one, "not busy," was the biggest one for me. Yeah, I have homework and classes but outside of that I need to stay busy. It's crazy how we can know exactly was the problem is, know how to fix it, and still not do anything about it. It's a routine I've created for myself because I didn't ask myself the proper questions like: When you do well at something how do you respond? Is the problem internal or external? And is it temporary or stable? So when I think back to the Erianna on Wednesday. I didn't mentally throw the whole week away because I wanted to but because 1. I didn't really identify what was causing me to lose my motivation and 2. I didn't want to get over myself and make the decision of either going into this weird mental state of being in my room of my apartment, not talking to anyone, going straight home after class, and 𝘵𝘢𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘯𝘢𝘱𝘴 to get the day over with OR being mentally happy. Happy with myself, my school work, and my relationships. It's Friday and happy to say that I'm back to the Erianna that I am. If I could I still would like to blame my emotions on the crappy weather and because mother nature is around the corner– but I cannooooooot! (Inside joke)

I'm slowly becoming addicted to bettering myself.

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