I just may be finally settling into college.
My friends and mentors all told me that this would take a while to happen but I didn't entirely see what they meant until now.
When I came back two weeks ago I wasn't even close to being in the "school spirit" and this past weekend I really let that feeling get the best of me. I stayed in my dorm all weekend, I sent off a couple of my friends, I cried, and I even had a misunderstanding with my roommates. So you can only imagine how shitty I was feeling. "Anti" would be the best word to describe how I was feeling towards everyone and I hated that I did.
The whole weekend, this rant repeated in my head,
"I hate it here!"
"I want to go home!"
"I'm stick of all these white people!"
"It's so fucking cold!" (and it is).
"I'm tired of being the only black one in my classes!"
I ended up putting myself in the worst frame of mind. I felt every complaint and I was defeated– until Monday.
Monday I decided not to let anyone including myself be degrading to any part of my situation anymore, so I did what I wanted to do. For starters I worked out 4x this week (I officially started working out last week), I got my all my homework done at reasonable times, and I even went to my (stupid) 8am! This doesn't seem like much but being productive in school and not falling into that depressing hole is real.
One of the "friends" I sent off this past weekend specifically was this guy I'm seeing. When he hit me up to hangout over the weekend, I just wasn't feeling it and in my head for whatever reason, I was mad at him.
It was almost 4pm and I was going to meet my friend to go to Target and as I walked out of the dining center, I see this fro that I know all too well, it was him. Note, when he hit me up I didn't respond. Obviously, I owed him some type of excuse. I approach him and his face lights up and he goes, "Eriannaaaaaaa!" in the warmest way. We hug, I sit down, and he introduces me to his friend he's sitting with. I end up opening up to these guys and start telling them about my feelings this past weekend and they actually assured me that they were and had felt what I was feeling.
Ok duh I know in my head that my peers and I are most definitely all going different versions of the same thing HOWEVER when your in the midst of it all, you feel like the only one.
And that's all I needed, honestly. 1. People to talk to outside of myself 2. and just a refreshing conversation for once since I've been here.
They suggested we get out and go to a BSA (Black Student Association) meeting and get to know more people. I always considered going, just never got around to actually going (I lowkey was scared to go for whatever reason). I ended up saying to them, "what the hell– see you Thursday!"
I walked into the meeting and there was barely any one there yet (because black people never on time, ha) and the ones that were there early I ended up having the most organic conversations with. From there, more people came and when I tell you I had NEVER seen this many black in one room at NDSU or even knew they existed– I've never seen this many of us! I remember taking a sigh of relief when we officially started the meeting.
By the end, I was laughing, talking, and ended up having a headache . It was super dope to not only have my fellow black peers but also seeing white and hispanic people come to the meeting as well.
Then today comes and all those people became a lot more noticeable in the white crowds then normal. I even chatted it up with a few of them and exchanged numbers, social media, etc.
The only thing this week didn't fix was my uneasy feeling about how hard and just in my head I am about making friends and being social. Back home, this was never a problem. Making friends, being social was just apart of my norm, and was never no big deal. Then it's like when I'm here, in college, and on this campus, everything small has become big for some reason. I would think, now I'm the out-group, now I'm questioning what kind of person I am, now I'm feeling lame, and uncomfortable. I wonder why that is?
Overall though, I'm happy that I took control and seized the week. Not for anyone else, but solely for the sake of me keeping it together.
This is just the beginning and it's about damn time!
Talk to ya'll next week,